Two perfect fall days in a row in August so far as it tries to make up for the horror of July. When summer acts like autumn, I have to resist the urge to go find a patch of grass under a tree and just lie there doing nothing for hours.
I can't do nothing yet because I'm still puttering in the new place. All the books are unpacked and sorted. My study area is set up. The living room area is bearable and traversable (sp?). Now I can also enter and exit the bathroom without contortions, and there's really just one last hurrah of a pile by the door that needs to somehow move out to the garage (super old files I need to keep but will not likely be accessing ever). I may be completely unpacked by this weekend, which would be so glorious.
Just in time to start getting serious about planning for my class that starts the last week of August . . . Don't worry; it's only a half class, so there shouldn't be any meltdowns this term. Good times.
Looking forward to autumn,
TMIA
Showing posts with label employment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label employment. Show all posts
10 August 2011
12 October 2010
Why I'm glad week four is long over
Things I never expected when I agreed to teach a single online class
that I would have to put off cleaning and laundry and blogging and rest
that I wouldn't have access to my course until the students did
that the school would make so many assumptions that make my job difficult
that the logical resources a teacher needs would be missing, unavailable, not even considered
that a single class could add another 40 hours to my 40 hour work week
that I could get hoarse from dictating assignment feedback into my voice recognition software
that my left arm would hurt more
that my right arm would hurt a lot more
that I would sleep even less
that I would be even more afraid of what would happen if I get sick and lose my voice
that I would feel guilty for
that I would have to stop reading and writing for pleasure to teach reading and writing to unscreened students who are not ready for this class
that this format does not allow the students who need to learn the most what they need to learn
that I would hate teaching this way this much
that I would want so badly to fix the papers even knowing how much time it would take
that I would be happy when students ignored my repeated pleas to set up conferences to prevent them from failing
that this happiness could make me feel more guilty
that I would not be able to catch up even after a month
that I would be so bad at boundaries
that I would have to put off cleaning and laundry and blogging and rest
that I wouldn't have access to my course until the students did
that the school would make so many assumptions that make my job difficult
that the logical resources a teacher needs would be missing, unavailable, not even considered
that a single class could add another 40 hours to my 40 hour work week
that I could get hoarse from dictating assignment feedback into my voice recognition software
that my left arm would hurt more
that my right arm would hurt a lot more
that I would sleep even less
that I would be even more afraid of what would happen if I get sick and lose my voice
that I would feel guilty for
- stopping for gas and a car wash
- getting physical therapy
- spending 15 minutes in a used clothing store to replace a pair of pants that were destroyed
- getting groceries
- exercising
- taking a shower
- eating
- going to the doctor
- meeting with my church small group
that I would have to stop reading and writing for pleasure to teach reading and writing to unscreened students who are not ready for this class
that this format does not allow the students who need to learn the most what they need to learn
that I would hate teaching this way this much
that I would want so badly to fix the papers even knowing how much time it would take
that I would be happy when students ignored my repeated pleas to set up conferences to prevent them from failing
that this happiness could make me feel more guilty
that I would not be able to catch up even after a month
that I would be so bad at boundaries
26 September 2010
Can I un-quit quitting? and other positively negative thoughts
I have never wanted to quit anything so much in my life as I want to quit teaching this class. I took a sanity day off work this week (thank you for that advice, Mom), and I got a lot of things I'd been putting off done, and a few new things organized, but I am still so behind that it's making me crazy.
I simply can't catch up possibly because, when I signed up to teach a single class, I seriously did not expect to be putting 30-50 hours a week into a class. I have a full time job already. I can't do this. At least, I can't do this and maintain my high expectations for myself, and if I can't maintain my expectations for myself, is it fair to demand them of my students? I'm in this horrible moral quagmire, and if I don't figure out how to bend sanely, I will break myself.
I lost another student in my online class last week.
Thought 1: I have failed!
Thought 2: Well, that's one less set of papers to grade.
Thought 3: I am a horrible person for Thought 2.
Thought 4: Lucky. I want to quit, too.
Thought 5: And another $200 disappears . . .
Thought 6: It's a good thing this was never about money.
Not that I'm neurotic. :)
In my thesis (or my spiritual autobiography, as my amazing advisor calls it), I talked about this inability to choose correctly when faced with situations where I can't tell if I should go on (because if I do, maybe I will learn valuable lessons). I also talked about how easy it is for me to let things go, to quit things because there is an easier thing on hand that I love and enjoy even if it is a bit challenging. I think I decided to quit quitting, and I am seriously regretting that decisions.
I chose this madness over singing? Why?! If I could go back to singing, even if it meant giving up this dream of being a teacher and using my gifts to help people learn, would I do it? If I could do so without letting anyone (myself possibly included) down, YES!!!!! In a heartbeat. But is that the right thing to do? I'm tired; I've no time or inclination for hard questions. I have three assignments to grade from last week and five more coming up this week. I hate this, and it isn't fun anymore.
A person once said that it is always good to have misfortunate friends around because they always show you how much worse it could be. I'm happy to be of use to you, my friends. :)
Also, so you don't think I'm totally negative, I AM SO GLAD NOT TO BE WORKING AT RETAILESTABLISHMENT DURING ALL THIS!!!!!! Wait, that was negative. But in a positive way. Um, how about, I am so glad I have the regular job I have now! That's true, too.
I simply can't catch up possibly because, when I signed up to teach a single class, I seriously did not expect to be putting 30-50 hours a week into a class. I have a full time job already. I can't do this. At least, I can't do this and maintain my high expectations for myself, and if I can't maintain my expectations for myself, is it fair to demand them of my students? I'm in this horrible moral quagmire, and if I don't figure out how to bend sanely, I will break myself.
I lost another student in my online class last week.
Thought 1: I have failed!
Thought 2: Well, that's one less set of papers to grade.
Thought 3: I am a horrible person for Thought 2.
Thought 4: Lucky. I want to quit, too.
Thought 5: And another $200 disappears . . .
Thought 6: It's a good thing this was never about money.
Not that I'm neurotic. :)
In my thesis (or my spiritual autobiography, as my amazing advisor calls it), I talked about this inability to choose correctly when faced with situations where I can't tell if I should go on (because if I do, maybe I will learn valuable lessons). I also talked about how easy it is for me to let things go, to quit things because there is an easier thing on hand that I love and enjoy even if it is a bit challenging. I think I decided to quit quitting, and I am seriously regretting that decisions.
I chose this madness over singing? Why?! If I could go back to singing, even if it meant giving up this dream of being a teacher and using my gifts to help people learn, would I do it? If I could do so without letting anyone (myself possibly included) down, YES!!!!! In a heartbeat. But is that the right thing to do? I'm tired; I've no time or inclination for hard questions. I have three assignments to grade from last week and five more coming up this week. I hate this, and it isn't fun anymore.
A person once said that it is always good to have misfortunate friends around because they always show you how much worse it could be. I'm happy to be of use to you, my friends. :)
Also, so you don't think I'm totally negative, I AM SO GLAD NOT TO BE WORKING AT RETAILESTABLISHMENT DURING ALL THIS!!!!!! Wait, that was negative. But in a positive way. Um, how about, I am so glad I have the regular job I have now! That's true, too.
06 July 2010
Tea gets in your eyes . . .
You know you're in sad shape when tea brings you to tears. Well, that's not really fair; the tea just made me get a little choked up, but it was the hot chocolate that really made me cry. My favorite kind (except with marshmallows, but essentially the same thing). And coffee. And four kinds of creamer. Stir sticks. (Also a working microwave, a cleanish fridge, 9 kinds of tea, 2 of which I actually kind of like. A sink and actual dish soap.) All freely provided and restocked daily by my new employer. (Okay, well, not the fridge, but it's there so I can put stuff in it.)
It's just the sort of thing you do when you care about your employees and want them to be happy and comfortable and hydrated. And it's so very different from my last employer that I just kind of welled up. I'm glad no one was looking. How would I explain why I was laughing and crying at the same time. . . ?
It's just the sort of thing you do when you care about your employees and want them to be happy and comfortable and hydrated. And it's so very different from my last employer that I just kind of welled up. I'm glad no one was looking. How would I explain why I was laughing and crying at the same time. . . ?
05 July 2010
A productive weekend by the numbers
I had a nice holiday weekend. I really like the sound of that. I got paid for not being at work. It's kind of novel, and I plan to enjoy how much laundry I was able to 1) get done and 2) afford to do. It's the simple things in life.
Also this weekend:
Also this weekend:
- 0 mosquito bites
- 1 dead computer resurrected but broken in the process
- 1 afternoon in a pool floating around doing absolutely nothing (okay, maybe talking a bit of literature, but that was it)
- 1 ouchie on my elbow from the edge of the pool (which = 0 short sleeved shirts for the next couple of weeks, somehow)
- 1 eagle spotted from the car
- 1 reorganized house plan
- 1 blue screen of death
- 1 baby who did not get sick after being around me
- 1 good friend who just moved to the area to kibbitz with
- 2 new charities I can afford to give to so far
- 2 lovely, sprawling gardens to rest in
- 2 kind families who invited me over for a day even though they don't know me from Adam
- 3 discs of MacGyver season one playing in the background while I worked on my budget and tried to catch up on weeks of dead computer email
- 3 essay ideas I'm drafting
- 4 episodes of Chuck playing in the background while I cleaned and organized things
- 5 more clearance items on ridiculous sale, hopefully fulfilling my shopping quotient for the next couple of years
- 5 hours driving in the car
- 6 ancient pairs of shoes I will give to charity because I can't wear them with my smashed foot ('04)
- 7 pairs of shoes that died years ago (some back in the early 90s) that I hung onto for sentimental reasons despite the holes and my inability to wear them because of my smashed foot
- 8 books read (all manga)
- X loads of laundry (I should go get that last one out before I forget)
- (approximately) 25 times I almost drove off the road due to gawking at the landscape
- 1 partridge in a pear tree (not really)
26 June 2010
So, this new job - when do I get to feel like it's real?
After I get the email with the start date details that shows the background check is finished?
After my first day?
After my first paycheck?
I've got to figure out how to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. If it's going to fall, it will fall. I don't need to stress out waiting for it. Sheesh.
(Have you ever felt like this?)
After my first day?
After my first paycheck?
I've got to figure out how to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. If it's going to fall, it will fall. I don't need to stress out waiting for it. Sheesh.
(Have you ever felt like this?)
29 May 2010
Treasuring the waiting
In the past when I've done job interviews, I've generally had a good time, and so have the interviewers. Then they feel awful when they can't hire me. They call me on the phone and just sound wretched about how they liked me best, but they have to hire this horrible person with ten years more experience. That will probably happen this time, too, which makes me sad.
My favorite story about that was this time I interviewed for an internship at a big company, got that exact phone call, and later, when I was at the annual conference for my professional organization, they saw me from across the room and very non-subtly tried to stay on the far side of the room from me during the entire reception. It was kind of flattering and mostly hilarious. Eventually, I actually bumped into one of them (totally by accident), and she just looked mortally embarrassed, like she wanted to grovel and beg my forgiveness for not hiring me. "We all really wanted to work with you," she said mournfully. "We were so sorry they wouldn't let us have you."
That made two of us. Soft skills being more valuable than hard skills my ear. It all worked out later during the conference when I finally managed to secure a kind of crappy internship at a small company where micromanagement was not a problem, and I got to make a website from scratch all by myself. It was located near where my older sister lived, so I was also able to live with and make awkward attempts to connect with my sort-of-estranged older sister the summer before she got married.
I wonder if the people I interviewed with will be that disappointed if they don't hire me this time. I almost brought one of them to tears just during the interview. (Accidentally, I swear; I was just wrapped up in this one story I was telling that had a kind of sweet ending, and I got a tad emotional, and is it a good sign if they say, "That was a really nice story" and "I had no idea what we were going to talk about for an hour, but the time just went past and was over" at a big corporate job interview?) I'll certainly cry if I don't get the job, but we'll burn that bridge if we come to it.
I thought I'd already learned the lesson about how sometimes your best isn't good enough, but I still don't want to learn it again. I'm kind of treasuring the waiting right now because not knowing NO is better than knowing it.
Ever been in that situation: where the waiting is painful but still seems better than finding out for sure that you've failed?
My favorite story about that was this time I interviewed for an internship at a big company, got that exact phone call, and later, when I was at the annual conference for my professional organization, they saw me from across the room and very non-subtly tried to stay on the far side of the room from me during the entire reception. It was kind of flattering and mostly hilarious. Eventually, I actually bumped into one of them (totally by accident), and she just looked mortally embarrassed, like she wanted to grovel and beg my forgiveness for not hiring me. "We all really wanted to work with you," she said mournfully. "We were so sorry they wouldn't let us have you."
That made two of us. Soft skills being more valuable than hard skills my ear. It all worked out later during the conference when I finally managed to secure a kind of crappy internship at a small company where micromanagement was not a problem, and I got to make a website from scratch all by myself. It was located near where my older sister lived, so I was also able to live with and make awkward attempts to connect with my sort-of-estranged older sister the summer before she got married.
I wonder if the people I interviewed with will be that disappointed if they don't hire me this time. I almost brought one of them to tears just during the interview. (Accidentally, I swear; I was just wrapped up in this one story I was telling that had a kind of sweet ending, and I got a tad emotional, and is it a good sign if they say, "That was a really nice story" and "I had no idea what we were going to talk about for an hour, but the time just went past and was over" at a big corporate job interview?) I'll certainly cry if I don't get the job, but we'll burn that bridge if we come to it.
I thought I'd already learned the lesson about how sometimes your best isn't good enough, but I still don't want to learn it again. I'm kind of treasuring the waiting right now because not knowing NO is better than knowing it.
Ever been in that situation: where the waiting is painful but still seems better than finding out for sure that you've failed?
22 May 2010
It hailed today
I have now spent over 30 hours researching for this job interview. I have read several books. I have talked to wise people without getting totally neurotic and annoying. I have researched strategies for answering questions and looked at thousands of questions. I have made plans. I will write stories to tell in answer to questions. I have lots of people praying for me. If this job was awarded to the person who did the most homework, I would get it. If it was awarded based on financial need, I would get it. If it was given to the person who wanted it most, I would get it.
I am unlikely to get this job.
My most helpful inside resource told me he hopes that the interviewers see me as the winsome underdog. He did not have to finish by adding that there's no other way I'll get it (the four times he started a sentence with, "If you don't get this job, I have some ideas," kind of sufficiently filled in the blank.
I should be discouraged. I should be giving up on the other ten hours of prep I'm planning on doing before the big interviews. I should feel done, defeated, beaten.
But I'm not stopping.
Is this peace that passes understanding? It doesn't feel like secret foreknowledge or anything. It's not really confidence, either. It's partly my innate stubbornness and love of a challenge. Don't tell me I can't, because I'll want to even more was never really a mindset I struggled with as a child. (Except where tree climbing was concerned.)
Maybe this last push will be the thing that sends me over the top. Maybe these last hours of effort and attention and work will be necessary for success. I'm desperate; it's true. I'm in a bad situation (nothing new). I'd hate to give up before giving everything I possibly can.
The rest is up to God.
I am unlikely to get this job.
My most helpful inside resource told me he hopes that the interviewers see me as the winsome underdog. He did not have to finish by adding that there's no other way I'll get it (the four times he started a sentence with, "If you don't get this job, I have some ideas," kind of sufficiently filled in the blank.
I should be discouraged. I should be giving up on the other ten hours of prep I'm planning on doing before the big interviews. I should feel done, defeated, beaten.
But I'm not stopping.
Is this peace that passes understanding? It doesn't feel like secret foreknowledge or anything. It's not really confidence, either. It's partly my innate stubbornness and love of a challenge. Don't tell me I can't, because I'll want to even more was never really a mindset I struggled with as a child. (Except where tree climbing was concerned.)
Maybe this last push will be the thing that sends me over the top. Maybe these last hours of effort and attention and work will be necessary for success. I'm desperate; it's true. I'm in a bad situation (nothing new). I'd hate to give up before giving everything I possibly can.
The rest is up to God.
11 May 2010
Spring cleaning Part III: Revenge of the Mags
This week's injury was improbably sustained when I apparently tried to walk through a magazine holder. In my defense, I was trying to avoid the pillows I was airing out. In my prosecution, I'm not sure why I was giving the soft objects such a wide berth . . .
I'm whittling away at the piles and files around the room. Since I've applied absolutely everywhere I could for jobs, and there are no new opportunities, I have had two days to clean and do things on my backlog list of things to do. I feel a little guilty, but I'm getting so much done. One more day ought to get all my files from graduate school back into tip-top shape (they got out of order as I was cannibalizing them for my thesis).
I even submitted something to another impossible magazine today. NOTE TO SELF: Email to find out if they accept simultaneous submissions.
Now I'm just cleaning and catching up and waiting for someone to call me back about an interview, trying not to prematurely despair about what it means that they haven't called yet, trying to decide if I should just make my travel plans anyway, trying not to forget all the research I did on the company and the questions I want to ask, trying to enjoy this time now to organize and be calmish.
And icing my foot. Because what if they call, and I set up an interview, and my foot's too swollen to fit in my dress shoe?!
:)
I even submitted something to another impossible magazine today. NOTE TO SELF: Email to find out if they accept simultaneous submissions.
Now I'm just cleaning and catching up and waiting for someone to call me back about an interview, trying not to prematurely despair about what it means that they haven't called yet, trying to decide if I should just make my travel plans anyway, trying not to forget all the research I did on the company and the questions I want to ask, trying to enjoy this time now to organize and be calmish.
And icing my foot. Because what if they call, and I set up an interview, and my foot's too swollen to fit in my dress shoe?!
:)
08 May 2010
The waiting game
So, I'm waiting on this phone interview that was supposed to happen. I got up early just in case they called when normal people start their work days. I kept checking my phone in agony (what if I missed it?!?!?!?!) and then being heartbroken when the call still hadn't come. Alternately sweating and freezing, I would wonder if they liked my resume or if they hated it and that's why they weren't calling. Did I do something wrong, something to make them not like me?! Why weren't they calling?!?!?! Oh, the humanity!
Is this what it's like to be waiting for a call from someone you have a crush on?
If I ever made fun of anyone waiting for a call from their crush, I apologize.
Is this what it's like to be waiting for a call from someone you have a crush on?
If I ever made fun of anyone waiting for a call from their crush, I apologize.
05 February 2010
MacGyver and Government Work
I finally finished up my application for the one government job I qualify for (no typing WPM requirement). Sigh. At least I did so to a great soundtrack: MacGyver, season two. MacGyver used to work for the government. See? It's connected.
Really, I'd already answered all the questions and just had to fill in the blanks online.
When I borrowed MacGyver from my parents, my sister warned me that it wasn't as good as I remembered it. I told her I wasn't going to give it 100% of my attention, anyway. If I had my back to it, I figured I wouldn't have to see the mullet as much.
I did enjoy listening to it. I got laughs from some clunky dialogue and funny lines, and I enjoyed the let's-use-a-fire-extinguisher-(or paper clip or pen or pocket lint, etc.)-to-stop-or-fix whatever.
Did you watch MacGyver when it was on TV? What did you think of it then? Have you seen it more recently? What do you think of it now?
Really, I'd already answered all the questions and just had to fill in the blanks online.
When I borrowed MacGyver from my parents, my sister warned me that it wasn't as good as I remembered it. I told her I wasn't going to give it 100% of my attention, anyway. If I had my back to it, I figured I wouldn't have to see the mullet as much.
I did enjoy listening to it. I got laughs from some clunky dialogue and funny lines, and I enjoyed the let's-use-a-fire-extinguisher-(or paper clip or pen or pocket lint, etc.)-to-stop-or-fix whatever.
Did you watch MacGyver when it was on TV? What did you think of it then? Have you seen it more recently? What do you think of it now?
10 January 2010
Peanuts and fortune cookies: two quotes to brighten your day
"If you pay in peanuts, you'll get monkeys." - anonymous
"The man who does more than he is paid for will soon be paid for more than he does." - a fortune cookie fortune
Dear Fortune Cookie Wisdom Dispenser,
Please define "soon." Also, is it because I am not a man that this does not apply? I would like for there to be a reason. Ook, ook.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
a retail employee
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