28 February 2012

Did I ever post this? Because it's a couple years old . . .

I was so proud of myself.  When I left to go visit my family over the holidays, I dropped off a notice that my chronically-clogging drain was clogged again.  This time, I remembered to put away all laundry that was hanging on the rack on the back of my bathroom door.  This way, I did not have to return to my apartment and be mortified when I picked up the note the plumbing man left to say that he'd been there and fixed it and then realized that he had had to walk past all my bras to get into the tiny bathroom. 

Sometimes it's the little triumphs in life that make us happy.

tomorrow will be brilliant

water with an identity crisis
not sure if it's rain or snow
staggering and stumbling
sideways coating everything

a sound like glass falling
from the sky and bouncing
collecting on top of my hood
rhythm making me sleepy

icicles like grass   growing   down
from power lines and fences
every straight-ish line developing
sudden upper teeth the wind gnashes

gleaming trees promise
even if tonight is miserable
and unbearable tomorrow
will be brilliant

26 February 2012

Invitation to care

There's more, but that's
what my friend's email subject
was condensed down
to on the screen,
and it was true.

If I sign up for
automatic updates
I will learn about
the progress of their
brainless baby.

I will get
to tick down
the days
until it is born
and dies.

Obviously I
should accept this
invitation to care, but
I don't know
if I can bear to.

Fortune Cookie, what are you trying to say?

"Good things come
in invisible packages.
You will be delighted."
What does this mean?  And does it sound slightly sinister to anyone else?

23 February 2012

today we learned

Today we learned
that you should pray
I am not
the only one
near you

who knows hands-only CPR
if you need it.  I can last two
compressions before the pain
in my hands is too much. 

I would like to believe
the adrenalin would
let me keep going
despite the pain.  If
not, I will try
to get very good

at explaining
to strong people
with working wrists
how to do it, and we
can both help try
to save your life.

18 February 2012

Wrestling the Sandman and other distractions

Slowly, oh so slowly, I have been edging back my getting in to bed time and getting out of bed time.  Now that I am not responding to student emails for three hours every night, I can once again try to tackle the sleep dilemma.  I don't sleep well (years of chronic pain mess with all aspects of your life), and I've been told that we've done all we can messing with all the sleep-related side of things.  The only way for it to get better is if we address the pain/neurological side of things.  Since that's not going well, I'm trying to find a balance between ruthless adherence to keeping the time in bed short (6 hours) to encourage my body to be efficient with its time in bed and just giving in to my body's exhausted demand for more time not doing anything (sometimes 12 hours).

If I only allow myself 6-7 hours of time in bed, I am a bit more clear-headed, but I am also very short-tempered.  If I let myself stay in bed as long as my body appears to want (10-12 hours), I am much more mellow but also much more muddled.  I'm shooting for somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 1/2-9 hours in bed since then I won't feel like I'm wasting all sorts of extra time trying to recharge batteries that won't charge, but I also won't feel like I'm demanding silly things from my already overworked body.

It's not easy, but I have been making progress the past week, at the expense of everything else.  I think I've spent too much time trying to do everything at once with a brain that shorts out when it only has one thing to do.  I'm going to try to tackle things one at a time and really put my foot down about that one thing.  Other things will suffer, and that will be okay.  Really.  My to do list does not contain anything that will cause world-wide problems if I fail to do it this week.  Priorities.

Willpower, go!

09 February 2012

Watching Amadeus

Today I would not 
let myself cry about 
the newest wrinkle in 
the old cursed saga 
of OWCP, but 

when Mozart died, 

I cried and cried 
and didn't even 
try to stop myself
until after the last notes
of the mass had ended.

07 February 2012