31 August 2015
small victories? a (terrifying) glimpse into my head on a bad day but at least not on a pike or anything
Missing a deadline because you are not sleeping well and thus are terrible at adulting is really irksome. I felt like I was a plastic bag on a windy day getting blown around from one thing I needed to do to another and then all of a sudden there were no more days left. (However, I did manage to exercise enough self-restraint to keep myself from replying with a number of mean things to a guy being a(n incorrect) grammar/writing jerk to one of my friends on Facebook. That was a heroic effort today.) These are the times I think I will never really be an "author" instead of a writer. (This is not actually an awful thing because I'd rather be a writer even when I am not sleep deprived and scattered to the four winds.) I already have no desire or motivation to get my work out there like one is supposed to do, but when a call for entries that seems tailor-made for my work comes, and I am a space cadet due to sleep deprivation for a couple weeks and miss it, it's frustrating, and I want to wallow in self-recrimination (which would be easier if I didn't keep getting distracted by everything in the world), but I also know that melodramatic wailing and stressing out is something I need to avoid (it's really bad for me because it kicks up the pain that leeches the sleep that scatters my brain all over the walls of the house that Jack built). Did you know that sleep deprivation by itself causes symptoms that look almost exactly like fibromyalgia? They did studies (that are totally illegal now) once upon a time. (Seriously, Blogger, I promise fibromyalgia is a real word. You and certain members of the medical community who also don't believe in it are not helping.) I'd love to promise to do better next time, but if I'm honest with myself, I'll probably be sleep deprived next time because I am always sleep-deprived to a varying degree, and I just want to throw up my hands and give up, but that's not good either. All of this thrashing makes me more tired, but the pain makes me not sleep. I LOSE NO MATTER WHAT I DO OR DO NOT DO. Therefore, I am going to go read a book, so the day is not a total loss. Here's hoping I have the self-control to stop reading book at a reasonable time in order to not make things even worse . . .