It is not as if I imagine that the second the door shuts when I leave in the morning that all the spiders descend from the ceilings, raise a tiny cheer, and then start licking my toothbrush or peeing on my pillow. Really.
It's just that I hate the way they only seem to come out when I don't have my glasses on, and all I can see is this fuzzy moving blobby blur like the mosaics they use in Japanese comedies to show you where a cockroach is. (I know they're not cockroaches because they are too small and because spiders move differently from insects, so I can tell even mostly blind.) They just seem much larger than they actually are because of my lack of ability to focus on anything further than two inches away from my nose. I know this, truly, I do.
I'm fairly certain they're not making faces at me. But again, I can't really KNOW this without my glasses on. I am not going to set up tiny hidden spider cams around my house. That would just be silly.
(I blame all this on Allie fordrawing pictures of scary spiders.)
Also, it's not like I want to destroy all spiders. I just want them to be sneaky and not get caught by me. Because if I catch them, I have to acknowledge their existences, and if they flaunt their existences, I have to end them. (Why don't they LISTEN when I tell them to go away, or I will kill them?)
I am trying to be reasonable here, spiders. We can coexist as long as you live lives of fear and secrecy. Why is that so hard for you?! Don't you want to live?!
It may be that I am not being fair or reasonable about this. Maybe they are starving because there is a lack of bugs for food in my house. Maybe they are crazed by hunger and can't help staggering around in a daze the one time a day I am in the master bathroom. Maybe I should have more compassionate thoughts toward them.
I just can't. And I'm okay with that.