It is not as if I
imagine that the second the door shuts when I leave in the morning that all the
spiders descend from the ceilings, raise a tiny cheer, and then start licking
my toothbrush or peeing on my pillow. Really.
It's just that I hate the way they only seem
to come out when I don't have my glasses on, and all I can see is this fuzzy
moving blobby blur like the mosaics they use in Japanese comedies to show you
where a cockroach is. (I know they're
not cockroaches because they are too small and because spiders move differently
from insects, so I can tell even mostly blind.) They just seem
much larger than they actually are because of my lack of ability to focus on
anything further than two inches away from my nose. I know this, truly, I do.
I'm fairly certain
they're not making faces at me. But
again, I can't really KNOW this without my glasses on. I am not going to set up tiny hidden spider
cams around my house. That would just be
silly.
(I blame all this on Allie fordrawing pictures of scary spiders.)
Also, it's not like
I want to destroy all spiders. I just
want them to be sneaky and not get caught by me. Because if I catch them, I have to
acknowledge their existences, and if they flaunt their existences, I have to
end them. (Why don't they LISTEN when I
tell them to go away, or I will kill them?)
I am trying to be
reasonable here, spiders. We can coexist
as long as you live lives of fear and secrecy.
Why is that so hard for you?! Don't you want to live?!
It may be that I am
not being fair or reasonable about this. Maybe they are
starving because there is a lack of bugs for food in my house. Maybe they are crazed by hunger and can't
help staggering around in a daze the one time a day I am in the master
bathroom. Maybe I should have more compassionate thoughts toward them.
I just can't. And I'm okay with that.
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