How can I keep from singing

I'm starting to wonder if I should voluntarily quite my choir next semester.  I just don't think I can do it anymore.  After that last concert, I don't know if I trust myself not to screw it up for everyone.

Not that they probably noticed the number of times I screwed up, even if I did.

To be fair, most of the problem stemmed from work.  I had requested the day of the concert off as I have every year for the past 7 years, and my request was approved, but we have a new manager now, and he keeps scheduling me when I can't work, but I can't ask to get out early, or I'll end up with even fewer hours and not be able to pay my rent, and you can probably see where this is going.

I should have just told him, taken my day off as I planned, had a great concert, and let him deal with the scheduling problems, but my job's hanging by a thread due to the machinations of another manager who is trying to get me fired, so I just couldn't risk it.  I woke up ridiculously early and worked, tried to relax and focus for several hours, and then tried to sing a full concert after already being awake and functioning for nearly 11 hours.  It didn't work.  I'm just not capable of something like that anymore. 

I missed words, missed cut-offs, misjudged my voice's breaking point.  My timing was off ever so slightly, pretty frequently.   I didn't blend well; I was too loud.  I couldn't see the director.  I kept getting distracted.

We had some stunningly lovely moments; don't get me wrong.  People I had invited told me it was lovely.  Most people probably didn't notice any of my mistakes (except one really obvious one, which they probably don't remember because it was early in the concert).  I don't even think the director noticed most of my flubs.  But I did.  (Did I ever.)

I can't guarantee that next semester will be better.  My focus is getting worse every year; my ability to concentrate is laughable and likely won't be getting any better without a miraculous healing.  There is no way to guarantee that I won't totally screw up the spring concert in obvious and embarrassing ways. 

It's selfish of me to want to sing in it anyway, selfish to even be willing to think about singing in another concert I could ruin just because there are those moments of indescribable beauty you earn when you make impossibly beautiful music with a group of people you've worked with for a time.  My weakness is swallowing up even the small beauties I have left. 

I am a desperately selfish person.  Or maybe I just know how diminished I am when I am without music, as I was in college for three years.  That is, I suppose, just more selfishness.  If the director told me not to come back, I wouldn't come back.  That's how bad I feel about my mistakes in this last concert.  But I still want to be in the next one, if I can.


Is there anything you're that selfish about?  Something you enjoy doing so much that you don't care how bad at it you are or how much trouble you make for others when you do it?