what I want to do for my birthday

she asks what do you want
to do for your birthday, and I don't answer
for days because I am composing lists
in my head of all the impossible things
I want to do on my birthday

bask in a hammock in the warm sun of early summer
not drive anywhere
take a bath

read a book,
a whole book,
and not be in too much pain
during and afterwards

make delicious food without pain
eat foods I like that make me sick
and not get sick

enjoy time with my friends without stress and pain
talk to my sister without mental illness getting in the way

write without pain
walk without pain
rest without pain
laugh without pain

sleep deeply and well without pain
wake up refreshed and alert without pain
live one day without pain

she asks what do you want
to do for your birthday, and I think about how much
I want to finish something, anything, today

but then I think maybe that's not the most important thing
to do today, maybe instead I should
start something new with or without pain
as a new year of my life begins, and that is something
I can and will do on my birthday