if you only believe

I was taught
if you only believe
when it costs you
nothing
you don't
really believe.

Shuubun in September

This.  There is a word for this

direction we are sliding toward

this melancholy rage against

the dying weakening waning

of the light this moment when

darkness and light are in balance,

and then the darkness takes over

for a time and we slide into slumber

praying to wake again at some next

balance point when darkness is at

its height and then it turns again

and we see at last what light breaks

what I want to do for my birthday

she asks what do you want
to do for your birthday, and I don't answer
for days because I am composing lists
in my head of all the impossible things
I want to do on my birthday

bask in a hammock in the warm sun of early summer
not drive anywhere
take a bath

read a book,
a whole book,
and not be in too much pain
during and afterwards

make delicious food without pain
eat foods I like that make me sick
and not get sick

enjoy time with my friends without stress and pain
talk to my sister without mental illness getting in the way

write without pain
walk without pain
rest without pain
laugh without pain

sleep deeply and well without pain
wake up refreshed and alert without pain
live one day without pain

she asks what do you want
to do for your birthday, and I think about how much
I want to finish something, anything, today

but then I think maybe that's not the most important thing
to do today, maybe instead I should
start something new with or without pain
as a new year of my life begins, and that is something
I can and will do on my birthday

I would believe him

I would believe him

if he says

'I don't remember'

because who

remembers

every

      curiosity satisfied

      strength exerted

      small pleasure taken

      destructive act towards another

our brains 

do not 

work that way

I surely do not

remember, but

I hope 

      that I am wise enough to know

            that what I do or do not

                  remember does not change

                  what did or did not happen

                  to anyone else

      that when someone says

'you hurt me when you did this'

      that I will be humble enough and strong enough to remember and say

'I am sorry I did that to you.'

Can you forgive me? What

can I do 

for you 

to atone?'

      that I will not lash out

      that in the hot moment of shame

            when accused of wrongdoing

            I will not lie

            by saying it didn't happen

            simply because 

            I don't remember

as if I believed 

that what I remember

could possibly 

change reality

I don't believe that someone

who does not know this truth

of how the mind works,

      that what we remember is not reality,

should be given

power over others

to abuse

What it costs to believe

My mother said

she

believes

me.

It costs

her nothing

now to say

she would have

given up the church

that helped keep

her alive

if I had told

and the church

had not

believed me

then.  When she said that,

I believed

my mother. 

I

believed

my mother

until we talked, and I

discovered that

my mother

does not believe

a woman coming

forward now with

nothing to gain and

everything to lose,

a grown woman

telling now,

when it costs

this woman

something

(maybe everything). 

Believing this woman

would cost

my mother something

that she is not willing

to pay, and I wonder

if my mother really

would

believe

me

if it cost

her something,

and I find

I don't know

if I believe

she would.

This is a well-written, short prose piece from Rachael Denhollander on the same topic.  I highly recommend it.

falling

this autumn I hurt
in all the broken places
fingers to feet to heart

Before you ask

Were you wearing suggestive clothing?

     My 6th grade school uniform

• plaid skirt below the knee
• knee socks
• shoes
• Oxford button-up shirt probably buttoned all the way up

Had you been drinking?

     Hadn't ever had any alcohol
          that stuff smells disgusting

Were you wearing lots of makeup?

     No makeup, no interest in makeup
          gets all over everything when you sweat
               during recess

Were you flirting?

     Am asexual
          had never flirted or shown any kind
               of sexual interest
                    in anyone

Were you in the wrong place?

     In the hallway
          outside the 6th grade classroom
               after school in broad daylight
                    waiting safely inside for my late ride home to arrive
                         looking through the glass doors
                              with a view of the playground

none of this should really matter
because the only reason 
sexual assaults happen 
is because people 
sexually assault
other people

Dear family member

Dear family member,

I know that, to you, this situation is wholly political, that in your mind, there is no way this person could be telling the truth.  I know that’s where it starts and stops for you.  I know that you cannot imagine that any of the controversy is NOT political, that any of the anger and sadness is genuine, real, and not motivated by anything related to party lines.  I know that your party would rather have you believe in a conspiracy that seems rather incredible than believe that someone would see it as their duty to tell the truth about someone who is being considered for a position with one of the highest levels of power in our country.  I know that your party has convinced you that no one, after years of silence, could possibly choose out of a sense of duty as a citizen to speak up about their pain, knowing that

• they would face harassment, doubt, and  judgment outside a court of law
• their life would be at risk
• they would never be safe again wherever they went
• they were giving up the normal-seeming life they had pulled together over the years

unless it was part of conspiracy formulated by the other party.  (I fail to see that she has anything to gain here except more pain made extremely public, but you seem unable to even consider this.)  I also know that you are not trying to hurt people, that you are merely trying to clearly state your opinion on a very fraught topic.

I suspect that there may be a sudden silence about this issue among the female friends who have agreed politically with you on everything in the last few years; I suspect you don’t know what that means.  You seem so blinded by party politics that you don’t see the situation with anything approaching openness or compassion, that you don’t understand how personal it is for people who have been through the same thing.  (I’m pretty sure you have not been through the same thing because I would find it hard to believe that anyone who had would be able to be this blind just because of political affiliation.  I’m sorry if I’m wrong about that and am assuming too much.)

I know that it’s likely you are unaware of the psychology of sexual assault victims / survivors*.  I suspect you have never sought to educate yourself about it. I even suspect that no one has ever personally confided in you their story of their own sexual assault.  My reason for believing this is that you can still react in a way that asks the question: "Why speak out now?  Why not when it happened?"

(CONSIDER SKIPPING THIS GRAPHIC IF YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED SEXUAL ASSAULT)

You posted this on Facebook today, without awareness or irony, and, as far as I can tell, without any shred of understanding or empathy.  It is an answer to the question, "Why don’t victims speak out?"

Family member that I thankfully only see once a year, YOU are part of the problem, part of the reason why victims don’t speak out.  This kind of blind, politically-driven opinion is a slightly different (and much more repugnant) flavor of the same old story that leads to only a fraction of assaults being reported.  When you say what you said above, what people who have survived or will survive sexual assault hear is, "It's safer not to tell the truth.  Even when it matters.  Especially when it matters."

I can now add your view as expressed in this Facebook post to my list as a perfect example of why I would never disbelieve someone’s assault story simply because they didn’t file a police report at the time.

Here’s another list, for you, of some of the reasons why I didn’t report it when I was sexually assaulted

• I was in 6th grade.
• We grew up together in a smallish town and attended the same church and church school, a place where we were never taught anything about sex or consent or anything even vaguely related to the two, and my dad and his dad were friends and my sister and his sister were friends.
• I was mortified and disgusted and had no idea how to deal with the overwhelming feelings and confusion. 
• I knew it would cause trouble, and my mom was (I was pretty sure, though no one would TALK to me about it) dying at the time.The principal hated me and had shown clearly that the consequence of me reporting observing anything having to do with inappropriate sexual stuff was for her to scream at me in her office for what seemed like hours, accusing me of being a liar, troublemaker, and all-around evil human being who was just successful at hiding behind a good girl mask. 
• My father had expressed that old-school sentiment of, "What did she expect when she _______? (She had it coming)" when we heard about some poor girl being assaulted after drinking or being alone on the sidewalk at night or wearing makeup and a short skirt.
• I knew it would cause trouble, and my mom was (I was pretty sure from objective physical evidence, though no one would TALK to me about it because I was only in 6th grade) dying at the time.
• I didn’t even know I had other options.  (See: "I was in 6th grade")

I know it’s not exactly fair to put you on that list of why I didn’t report as a 6th grader because I didn’t know then that you held such a poisonous view, and I know that this present, particular instance is surrounded by a political cloud due to the nature of the situation and the players and seems somewhat exceptional (or was until 2 other people stepped forward to also volunteer to have their normal lives destroyed), but that’s honestly chaff to me at this point. 

For whatever reason, you don’t want to look or listen, you don’t want to see or hear this person’s claims, and you say you want to see their life further destroyed simply because it is politically inconvenient for you that they are talking here and now, that they are saying that someone your political party chose sexually assaulted them.  When you post things like this on Facebook, when you express these sentiments in real life in person, you are encouraging others, especially the young women in your life, not to tell you or report to anyone, and you are hurting people who didn’t report at the time.  People like me.  Your relative.  It may seem simply political to you, but to me it’s personal.  And because you are related to me and likely by blood or friendship to others who have also been or will someday be sexually assaulted, it really is personal to you, too.  Please keep that in mind.





*Today, right before I saw your post, I learned that "being triggered" doesn’t just mean being offended by a difference of opinion from this one.  It’s a physiological reaction, not a difference of opinion.  It’s surprisingly related to a lot of the current research on chronic pain that I’ve been looking through.

Another sci-fi moon

Another sci-fi moon
even more spectacular
than last night: a tall
hazy sliver burning red
with forest fire smoke

Things not to do when you're sick

Things not to do when you're sick

• Go to the funeral
• Lick the thank you notes closed
• Go to the birthday party
• Go to the lecture

Tired moon

so tired I can't quite focus
on the moon shining brightly
as it tags out the last light
of sunset and sends the sun
down to a well-deserved rest

February weary

destroyed car
new windshield already chipped
February weary of winter in Minnesota
$2300 medical bill that insurance said they'd pay
right arm that keeps going numb
broken computer

I am feeling done with optimism
for the new year already
but oh
the snow today
was so very beautiful

maybe

not that we see

but that we look

not that we find

but that we seek

or at least don't stop

(for long) 

being open

resisting

resisting the impulse to do something
just to be done with something, anything,
not even considering whether it is the right
thing to do or do not, unable to see
the choice to try to be,      just be

Slightly Worried, Confused, Relieved, Proud

the sun shines brightly in the sky

above the mess of snow it has made

like a dog after vomiting on the carpet