folk wisdom fail

Starve a fever.  Don't exercise
with a fever.  This is what they
say.  But what if you don't know
if the fever is a side effect of the
steroid or related to the cold/flu
you're coming down with now
that you can't get any sleep at all?

side effects math

side effects math says
insomnia + med-insomnia
= insomnia squared

The Day of the Layoff (3)

A man going the wrong way in the parking ramp almost hits me, and I snarl in my head about how much it would suck to get hit by some jerk going the wrong way and then be late to find out if I lose my job.  And then I remind myself again that doing the right thing doesn't magically guarantee you safety and happiness.  I should know this by now.  (I should know this BY NOW.)  So why does every reminder that I live in a fallen world feel like a kick in the heart?

the layoff

The rain falls
on the just and
the unjust.

Selah.

on the morning of the layoff

on the way to work
a heron launches itself
past my windshield

in this morning darkness
I can't tell if it's blue or grey
and it doesn't matter

early October

Some of the falling leaves are slightly soft and supple to the touch.  They hardly crunch at all, still mostly alive.  Perhaps they choose to die young and make a prettier corpse?  I don't understand.  They'll all end up as dust in the wind anyway, so why not hang on 'til there's no life left?

Ibuprofen/weakness

Every time I reach

for the bottle I despise

myself a little.

the doctor told me I needed to wear sandals indoors

At first, all I could see was the floral pattern.  Beloved of all the old ladies at the orthopedic shoe store, it seemed unbearably ugly to me.  But it was the only clearance pair that fit without irritating my foot crush injury.  Besides, I was only going to wear them inside, so the hideous flowers wouldn't be viewed in public.

In the darkness of my home, the flowers were invisible, and I started seeing the shape.  They have dark, unusual lines that are solid yet graceful, despite the size of my feet.  The shoes are named after butterflies, but they don't look like butterflies. They also are not as ugly as I thought they were.

right brain, left brain

I am at an awkward part of the pain spiral.  My left arm started going numb, so I shifted to carrying the heavier things on the right shoulder, but then that old subluxing injury started to flare up with intent.  Then I have to use the left arm, but then it starts to warm me that this is treatment up with which it will not put, and I am impaled on the horns of a dilemma.  I think I just need to learn telekinesis, so I can use my mind to lift things.  As long as I make sure to evenly use both the right and the left brain, I'm sure it will all work out.

it took me two days to notice

so tired that
I forgot to cut one
fingernail

quotes out of context

from Jeremiah 30:12-13 to OWCP
 
"Your wound is incurable,
And your injury is serious.
"There is no one to plead your cause;
No healing for your sore,
No recovery for you."

Yep.  My sense of melodrama is still doing just fine though, thanks for asking.  Reading Jeremiah makes me lean toward drama.  Being a prophet was never precisely easy, but wow, did he have a crappy time of it . . .

that day in August

yesterday
was a perfect day
for rainbows

Lies my fortune cookies told me

You are strong
and sensitive.
                                                    (possibly in a parallel universe)

You believe in
the fundamental goodness
of people.
                                                    (only in dreams, fortune cookie)

Others recognize
your sweet nature.
                                                    (when they see it hiding at its
                                                     vacation home in Switzerland)
You have an excellent
capacity for making people feel
at home.
                                                    (if said people normally make
                                                     their homes alone in
                                                     claustrophobia-inducing,
                                                     book-lined caves, not that I
                                                     could possibly judge them
                                                     for that)

not really one of my better days, but the pain is having a ball

Today it has felt as if some small creature with dull but strong teeth has been hanging from and gnawing on part of my left arm.

I am sleeping even less than average, and the night was very long when I watched it nearly all the way through until the light returned.

My right hip is throbbing like some caged creature needs to escape from it, and sitting up for hours at a time is more of a challenge than it should be for someone my age.

A tiny, invisible, serrated worm pokes at my right wrist and sometimes wraps itself around and goes into spasms--probably of joy and affection.  If so, I'm glad someone is having a good time here.  I just wish it were me.

Nothing gold really goes away

to Robert Frost

Nature's last green is gold
a thousand shades of red
orange purple and brown
ground up finely by wind
covered and hidden just
while winter wins until
Nature's first green comes back.
Nothing gold really goes away.

another split lip

when it is this dry

I need to remember not

to smile suddenly

Well, that's a problem, fortune cookie

Listen carefully.
An upcoming important
message may be subtle.

another reason I love autumn

Maybe a reason I love autumn
is because the world around me
starts breaking down, falling,

dragging, breaking apart
before winter comes to
finish the job,  and I

have been breaking
down since I

was 10.

the first maple tree

The first maple tree has ignited
soon the others will bow
to peer pressure and immolate
themselves and cover the sidewalks
in confetti that will grind itself
 away in
the wind
into ashes
and dust
and winter
will come to hide it all away.

the times I am most angry at OWCP are like this

• I'm trying to sing Brahms German Requiem, and my arm hurts insistently and keeps distracting me.  It hurts even worse 30 pages in from the simple act of holding the music and turning each page.  
• I want to help my friend who just had twins get some alone time with her husband, but I can't because holding even tiny babies and changing diapers will cause me agony later, so all I can do is come and help hold the babies while they are still small and sing to them since they don't mind that it is so hard for me to actually learn an entire lullaby anymore.  
• I have a great idea, and the muse is demanding that I sit and write it down right now before it gets bored and goes away, but I can't because my arm hurts, and things are busy at work, and I can't afford to irritate my arm any more, or I won't be able to function at work, and I have to function at work because I need to keep this job, so I can have insurance and because it's hard to find jobs that I am capable of doing anymore.  And so I don't write, and that hurts, too.