Can I un-quit quitting? and other positively negative thoughts

I have never wanted to quit anything so much in my life as I want to quit teaching this class.  I took a sanity day off work this week (thank you for that advice, Mom), and I got a lot of things I'd been putting off done, and a few new things organized, but I am still so behind that it's making me crazy.

I simply can't catch up possibly because, when I signed up to teach a single class, I seriously did not expect to be putting 30-50 hours a week into a class.  I have a full time job already.  I can't do this.  At least, I can't do this and maintain my high expectations for myself, and if I can't maintain my expectations for myself, is it fair to demand them of my students?  I'm in this horrible moral quagmire, and if I don't figure out how to bend sanely, I will break myself.

I lost another student in my online class last week.

Thought 1: I have failed!
Thought 2:  Well, that's one less set of papers to grade.
Thought 3: I am a horrible person for Thought 2.
Thought 4: Lucky.  I want to quit, too.
Thought 5: And another $200 disappears . . .
Thought 6: It's a good thing this was never about money.

Not that I'm neurotic.  :)

In my thesis (or my spiritual autobiography, as my amazing advisor calls it), I talked about this inability to choose correctly when faced with situations where I can't tell if I should go on (because if I do, maybe I will learn valuable lessons).  I also talked about how easy it is for me to let things go, to quit things because there is an easier thing on hand that I love and enjoy even if it is a bit challenging.  I think I decided to quit quitting, and I am seriously regretting that decisions.

I chose this madness over singing?  Why?!  If I could go back to singing, even if it meant giving up this dream of being a teacher and using my gifts to help people learn, would I do it?  If I could do so without letting anyone (myself possibly included) down, YES!!!!!  In a heartbeat.  But is that the right thing to do?  I'm tired; I've no time or inclination for hard questions.  I have three assignments to grade from last week and five more coming up this week.  I hate this, and it isn't fun anymore.

A person once said that it is always good to have misfortunate friends around because they always show you how much worse it could be.  I'm happy to be of use to you, my friends.  :) 

Also, so you don't think I'm totally negative, I AM SO GLAD NOT TO BE WORKING AT RETAILESTABLISHMENT DURING ALL THIS!!!!!!  Wait, that was negative.  But in a positive way.  Um, how about, I am so glad I have the regular job I have now!  That's true, too.

the sort of person who

I am the sort of person who can
use the words "anal-retentive"
and "systematic theology" in
the same sentence.

Drive with us (verrrrryyy slooooooowlyyy)

On the river parkway, I saw a raccoon trying desperately to stuff itself down a storm drain to avoid the early evening traffic "speeding" toward it.  I was part of a parade at the time, you know, the sort where one car's driver sees the 25 miles per hour speed limit sign and becomes convinced that if he or she approaches within 10 miles of the speed limit (as in, 15 m.p.h), his or her car will explode or be strafed by speeding cop firebombs or suddenly find that part of the road turns 90 degrees or something.

I started humming the theme song to The Racoons.  Did they ever release that cartoon on DVD?  Yes, yes they did, and I am not going to pay that much for a used copy, holy moly.  Maybe this is a job for Netflix.

It had the most ridiculous and awesome ending theme song.  It was called "Run with Us."  I bet the raccoon could have run with us and kept up.  It really had nothing to fear as we all drove at a leisurely pace all along the river road for five miles, trapped behind the parade leader, unable to get to our destinations by any alternate route.

At least it wasn't a bicycle rider this time.

See?  I can think positive.  :)

an autumn poem in summer

Fall

fell 

early this year

leaves turning 

in August and September

days that feel

like the best

November

days to

come

It's ALIVE!!!!

So, once again I dropped out of sight.  In honor of my first anniversary of blogging, my computer died.  Eventually a kind friend resuscitated it, and now I am almost caught up enough to get back to blogging.  So you'll likely hear from me for real this weekend.  Until then . . .