full of hopes

Don't give up for dead
trees that haven't bloomed quite yet
May is full of hopes

scattered

if I could only
focus long enough, I could
watch blossoms expand

early days

I like the early days
of budding spring when blooms
are hidden splashed random

inconstant April

inconstant April

30 to 80 and back

one last snow again?

Prometheus

• Creator
• Future Seer
• Present Doer
• Fire Bringer
• Savior of Man
• Defier of Gods
• Consequence Sufferer
• Helper Even In Chains
• First Civil Rights Activist?

know the names

It seems a minor
miracle to know the names
of flowering things.

nature laughs at me again

darn nature just keeps
pooping on everything
so it's hard to commune

Spring creeps (I think I like the other one better)

spring creeps in earnest
summer shade is replacing
shadows once again

is hope like this?

the way the tree appears
completely without life
today but could sprout buds
tomorrow if you wait

return of shade

tree-cast bone shadows

grow into shade once again

spring comes with intent

will spring come to my tree this year

lonely sound 

of bare tree

branches

in constant

restless 

motion

whacking

each other

like children

left in the back 

seat too long

golden

for Liz

haze of green new growth
outlining Mississippi
River banks: golden

when it is enough (exercise and chronic pain)

Ask yourself,

"Is is enough?"

and if you think

"I could do more,"

stop before 

it is too much.

view from the deck floor

plane flies close to the moon

birds and frogs check in

summer breeze rattles winter 

bare bones of trees

unencumbered by new growth

clouds drift by at different

speeds at different heights

tiny bugs dance between me 

and the sky      the sun sets

with little fanfare and the moon

grows brighter

can anyone 

ever do just 

one thing

?

winter bare bones

breeze whispers summer
while rattling the winter
bare bones of my tree

four turtles

heads stretched up
four turtles bask
on a log

From Jonathan to David on His Birthday (or vice versa)

unexpected gift
friend whose soul is knit with mine
many happy walks

when the poem disappears, write another

internet ate the
turtles but frogs are croaking
nothing is wasted

I will miss all the windows

wrestle with SharePoint
mutter take this you sons of
pixels watch spring light

walking in the sun

spring conversation

you can go very far in

just 30 minutes

bittersweet

we watch buds sprout past

one dead leaf that won't let go

spring is bittersweet

treasured

every warm day
in April should be treasured
frost comes tomorrow

how do you look away

Seasonal Clearance!

Condensation Closeout!

End of Season Sale on Snow!

Everything Must Go!

The sky is using

all remaining

winter inventory 

today!

Small, hard, pellet snow, check!
Medium, dry, shaken snow globe snow, check!
Medium, fluffy, sedately swirling snow, check!
Big, wet, sloppy snow, check!

How do you look away from this 

beautiful spring chaos?

the first snow (April 8)

tiny hard styrofoam pellet snow 

tapping down en masse

shows through darkened glass 

as frantic darker grey on gray

and piles up in the grass

when living in the darkness

She talks about how there is no
faith tradition for evangelicals
to follow in the times when one
is living in the dark.  True.
Disciplines and rituals aren't
for evangelicals.  Emotions are more
important and true than
"smells and bells", and where
does that leave those
deep in dark depression
who feel
nothing?
Nowhere
alone.
False.  This
is why it's important to tell true stories
of our times in the darkness,
for truth is light and hope, and hope
in the midst of darkness is
sometimes the only
gift of love we
can give
each other.

Wondering how much sleep will be enough

How many nights of better sleep will be 

enough to make up for eleven years of 

not enough?  How many nights will my 

brain take to reset and my body to heal 

and finally 

feel rested?

what's that sound?

Stop to listen to
tip tap of tiny hail
April showers, go!

not lost yet

snow floating past buds
on winter bare trees whispers
we have not lost yet

virga

we watch through windows
rain falls from clouds far away
on someone else's heads?

Now I Walk in Beauty

plants are waking up
sending out shoots and budding
we walk in new life

reasons for the quest

to sleep, perchance to dream

and to remember dreams,

to remember anything at all

really, to clear out some of this

fog, to be able to choose to live

in the moment instead of being

reduced to it, to see more clearly

and be present more fully, to

be able to cope and not cry all

the time over nothing and every

thing, to be part of community

to serve instead of being served

or hiding or running and stumbling

to be more fully awake to the

world as the seasons turn and I

grow older with the world because

even though it's scary and possibly

dangerous, maybe this time it will

work, and I can begin to heal if

I do not give up and lose all hope

Trees are weeping

Trees are weeping sap
from all their broken places
winter's losing ground

another email with no heartbeat

What do you do when
you get another
email about a
nephew you will not
have the chance to know

because your sister
has had another
miscarriage, and you
have no way to give
her any comfort?

I write a poem.
It doesn't really
help anything, but
I still have to write
to make space for tears.

soon

purple dusk sky rests

on bare, weary branches, but

spring is coming soon

not yet

purple dusk sky pierced

by sharp, black winter branches

spring is not here yet

How many people does it take to change a light bulb if one of them is me?

I am wondering if I should call my elderly neighbor the retired cop over to hold the chair while I try to change the ceiling lightbulb. I'm not sure it would actually help. Just because someone else is here does not mean I will be less likely to get dizzy or lose my balance and fall off the chair, and I'd feel terrible if I squashed and injured him if I fell. These are not the things I though I'd be concerned about in my mid thirties.  Sigh.

such extravagance

such extravagance

Minnesota winter sun

diamonds everywhere

the wrong foot

I hate
how an accidentally
too-long hike can destroy
my health for half a year and
already be eating
into this year,
too.

thoughts at the end

Today
was for writing
for reminding myself that
even though it was not my best year in any other way
I still wrote more
than the year before,
and if that is not a success,
what is?

fractured prose

The shameless self-promotion 

from the Facebook group read, 

'Looking for the perfect 

CHRISTMAS PRESENT for that friend 

or relative who loves poetry 

and laments the fact that modern 

"poets" have abandoned it 

for fractured prose?' I was

inexplicably delighted by

this accurate characterization 

of what I write, as if it had

no value or purpose or reason

for existing when, for me, 

it represents how I think

with my bent toward narrative

prose combined with my fractured 

concentration and attention 

span because of the pain 

and the sleeplessness

it causes, so thank you,

disparaging and dismissive

and self-righteous poet busy

flogging your own obviously 

superior form of writing, for

unintentionally presenting me 

with the gift of words 

to accurately describe 

my own.  : )

a little thanks

thankful today

in English and real life

cello and snow rhyme

When your eye says no

Today was the kind of day that goes like this.

Me: Hi, eyeball, I'm going to gently put this piece of plastic in you, so I can see.

My eyeball: No.

Me: Oh, I'm so sorry. Do you have an eyelash or something that's irritating you?

M.E.: No.

Me: Is there something I can do to help?

M.E.: No.

Me: So, can I just put this in and then leave you alone?

M.E.: No. N. O. Nonononono. Have I made myself clear?

Me: Perfectly. So, how about some glasses today?

Birthday questions between book chapters

Why, do you suppose, is it so hard for me to

rest--to focus only on ignoring my own 

entropy--when it is so recharging to my 

soul? Is this constant excuse of attending 

to the entropy around me instead, especially 

when I need rest so desperately, another 

series of the small acts of self-sabotage I 

am so good at not noticing myself doing 

until I write about them?

Tomorrow's pledge

I will ignore should

and do what needs to be done 

hibernation, rest

plans for this birthday

Plans for this birthday include

French toast, apple crisp, tea, 

the couch, blankets, music, 

hibernation, limited human 

contact, pain medication, and 

BOOK. Book. book. BOoK.

bookBooKbOOkBooKbook.

They exclude news, opinions, 

politics, brainlessly repeated 

rhetoric, and any internet not 

directly related to writing with 

the exception of the blog I am 

going to create for me 

and a friend 

to share.

already

When did this happen?

Trees stripped so bare already

November half gone

Sunday afternoon, autumn

and when the wind is

not blowing I want to

stop and stand in this

sunlight recharging

storing up warmth

until I get too stiff

from cold air and 

have to move again

the shame of late autumn skies

Sky blushes deep pink,

ashamed of bare branches, 

but spring will come again.

November gales

On the sides of homes,

gales of November slap rain: 

last wrath of autumn?

Autumn means

The cuddliest

box elder bug in the world 

just wants to snuggle.

me and the box elder bug swarm (again)

Yay, it's warm again!

says me and the box elder bug swarm 

as we bask in the last (?) breath 

of summer. They must think 

we bonded because later they visit me 

at home, and they are terrible guests 

who won't leave no matter how 

many times I tell them it's 

really time for them to go.

Revenge of the Slow Cooker: Brain vs. Stomach, part 14

Stomach: That sure smells good.

Brain: Sure does.

Stomach: We should eat it.

Brain: It's not done yet.

Stomach: When will it be done?

Brain: Hours from now.  Here, have some of this to tide you over.

Stomach: Don't wanna.  Want to eat thing that smells good.

Brain: It's not done yet.

Stomach: Will eating it now kill us?

Brain: It could make us sick.

Stomach: I don't see the problem. Could is not will.

Brain: Sigh. That's why I'm here.

Stomach: How will we know when it is done?

Brain: When the timer goes off.

Stomach: It's supposed to be on low and cook at 140 degrees, but it's bubbling, so doesn't that mean it's over 212 degrees and thus might be cooking faster and thus might already be done?

Brain: Wow. And here I thought you weren't paying attention when we did our earlier Internet research.

Stomach: What it if overheats and explodes and then we don't get to eat any of it because you have a cheap slow cooker and didn't listen to me?

Brain: Can you please shut up?

Stomach: Don't wanna.

Brain: Sigh.

Stomach: That sure smells good, doesn't it?  Time to eat it yet?

Brain: Sigh.

the sound of autumn in November

This is the sound of autumn in November

trees newly bare

leaves piling up on the ground

perfect slolam courses

for gusty winds to play in

before they all get bullied to dust 

by power that doesn't know its own strength

Today, right now, when I don't fall over for once

old PT ladies 

observe my balance improved

watch enviously

(Last?) warm day in November?

if the weather

gets any more

beautiful I

will have

to weep

we are determined to make this week better

when I got to work, there was
a poem on my keyboard next
to my wrist brace, and the poem
was deep and wise and magical
and the tree on it was where the
magic lived twisted ink branches
bereft of leaves that will live next
to the painted full moon waiting
for whatever happens next

to sleep, perchance to dream and stop swarming about half drunk on summer's dregs in autumn

short warm relapses

brief resurgence of insects

autumn cannot last

he asks if

This new brother of mine asks
tough questions, like whether I would want
the death of this family friend to be less
hard for me to deal with

because the truth is that in some ways yes
I would because I am very weak right now, but

mostly I puzzle because I don't understand why
it is so

hard.  Why this death that I still know
next to nothing about?  Why this man
who I interacted with for real maybe
4 times in my life? Is it because he was

younger than my father because his son
was my classmate because he was
someone I admired and wanted to be
happy and because the day he died

my new brother said something about
C.S. Lewis that I wanted to share with him
because it would have made him laugh?

Because it was so sudden and that
scares me because there is never
enough time to be with all the people
we love and admire because the fall

brought death and separation in, and
there is nothing I can do about that 

when I am always so very far away?

autumn's pirate bounty

no pirates in sight

gold is scattered everywhere

fall beauty all mine

remember when singing

I think as long as I can remember

when singing didn't hurt this much,

I will be okay.

winter always comes

light, mouse, deer, leaves, friend

too much death in autumn

winter comes too fast

when I forget fall

I'm glad, Brother Wolf:

you will remember for me

when I forget fall.

falling faster

Did you see the sky today, Brother Wolf?

Clouds on clouds grey on grey as trees bled out

leaves from fatal wounds of coming winter.

attack of the zombie leaves

autumn crawls deeper 

into buildings leaves 

ghost in on the cold 

breath of the wind seeking

the remembered warmth of 

summer not creepy at all

ghosts of autumn

leaves creep toward warmth

ghosts of autumn drifting in

not creepy at all

I never really wear jewelry

I never wear jewelry
because it's not practical
to wear it with a wrist brace

today I wore jewelry
it didn't stop the pain or
even make it better, but

the green beads were beautiful
handmade for a living wage
in South America, so

this is how I can fight back
against what I'm not quite sure,
but it still feels important

Saturday questions

• Who cuts themselves with eggshells? Under their fingernails? Seriously?!
• Why must foods high in iron taste uniformly gross? Perhaps because I taste it every day as it goes down the back of my throat when my nose tries to bleed but can't because of the swelling from the allergies and the deviated septum from the 6th time I broke my nose?
• Why does winning something feel so nice, even if it isn't something you really want or need? I'm sure the folks I share it with will appreciate my good fortune. : )
• Why do I still laugh so hard at good burping stories? Burping. Heh.

Suddenly, autumn

the leaves have fallen, Brother Wolf,

trees bedraggled and beautiful

as rain drips softly, on and off,

wind gently prods now-bare branches

mourning summer's fallen playmates

regretfully swirling the dead

temptation to do

In light of the dizziness, swelling, poor wound healing, brain foginess, pain flare-up, thyroid struggling, cold-intolerance, anemia, and my inability to grasp anything (literally or figuratively), one could argue that I might be overdoing it and should use my day off to, oh, I don't know, rest and NOT try to DO ALL THE THINGS, since that do-things strategy seems to not be working for me very well. At least it will be raining. Lying on the couch watching the rain seems to be about my speed right now. Must resist temptation to do . . .

unseasonable autumn

final tree frogs bask

unseasonable autumn

weather calls us out

asthmatic in autumn

windy days are good

for locating spiders' webs

but not for breathing

before winter comes

October whirls by

adolescent beavers play

before winter comes

the poem about the dead deer (attempt 18?)

ruin of Monday morning first
day of autumn weather doe curled
impossibly graceful dead with
startling boneless acceptance
that only the shattered display

that kind of week

Dead mouse welcomes me

from inside my warm garage.

Is it Friday yet?

when you are happy your thyroid is failing (again)

My thyroid is on the ropes again.  Yay!  I'm excited about this because

• I noticed and got it checked (eventually, dang brain fog)!
• I wasn't making it up; it's worse than ever!
• it might be related to one of the numerous new allergy meds I've been trying to get off decongestants on the off chance I will then sleep better!

These are all good things (more or less) because the sudden weight gain and enormous increase in joint pain and other symptoms have a reason now and are not a signal that my body is tired of all this crap and has given up.  See?  Yay!  And if they were caused by a med (and I have a culprit in mind already), then maybe I can get my thyroid working again like I did the last two times and won't have to go on a med for it forever yet.  Hope springs eternal!  (But has to be cautious of increased dizziness and on the alert for overdoses that lead to heart problems.  Really noticeable and obvious heart problems.)

Huzzah?

the deck dragon sheds its leaves

wind gusts and bellows
bearded beast shivers and roars
soon leaves will be gone

every fall they come

how do I destroy
drain flies of autumn swarming
in my house this fall

unmistakable

unmistakable
taste of blood in back of throat
winter is coming

again with the drain flies of autumn

coldness spreads today

the drain flies of autumn swarm

I am not a fan

coat walking weather

lovely sun-drenched days
perfect coat walking weather
now it is autumn

ninja tree frog

one tiny tree frog

stealthily basks on the ledge

storing autumn sun

one last summer day

deck hammock swaying
one last summer day reading
before autumn comes

the night after

the night after the bloody eclipse,

the wounded moon recovers, swollen

large and obscured by scar tissue clouds

already this tired

deer die on roadsides
last day of summer weather
already this tired

late to the blood moon

by the time I get there, the eclipse 

is on the wane, and the moon looks

small and hard and far away, like 

an angry marble reflecting all the

sunrises and sunsets the Earth is

starting and ending off to the sides

where I cannot see but still believe

the last dragonfly (gathering strength)

garnet dragonfly
rests on summer sun-warmed toe
before autumn comes

riding in circles

He is riding his bike in wide circles, passing between my garage and my car in the sort of test of skill small children set to themselves while I try not to fall off the ladder in my garage as I organize and restack moving boxes.  He passes through again and again, and I lose my balance a little each time I see him out of the corner of my eye, but I never actually fall, and when I am finally finished, on the hood of my car (precisely centered) is a sprig from the crabapple tree I refer to as the cherry tree, and it makes all the half bugs I find in my hair for the rest of the night matter less.

now it is autumn

purple twilights fall

more frequently now, like leaves,

now it is autumn

Life and fortune

Sometimes life

is--like my most 

recent fortune cookie 

("People try thing, because they 

just don't want it enough")--

pretty much incomprehensible

to the folks on the ground.  Hang 

in there, anyway, and maybe try 

another fortune cookie?

she is dancing

We are in the orthopedic shoe store, and she is maybe 3.  She is dancing around me, spinning and giggling and trying to be sneaky and noticed at the same time in that inept and charming way 3-year-olds can, and I make eye contact and smile a small sun smile at her as she twirls by in her unsteady orbit, and she smiles hugely at our shared secret and keeps turning, and eventually her mother or grandmother notices and blessedly laughs instead of being needlessly angry, and the grace is sweet and thick among the smell of leather and aging.

the first mystic

He said, "He

was the first

mystic I ever

met," and some

day I want to

write a poem

about that, too.

When I am not sleeping (much at all)

It's like every bit 

of progress and forward 

momentum disappears into 

the brain fog, and I am 

left with only 

the weariness and 

the grimly-held 

hope that the switch 

will flip again 

soon, so I can 

get the normal 

inadequate amount 

of sleep and 

recapture my 

scattered wits 

and will and 

write on.

the difference between

I have been thinking about 

the difference between

thinking you are the puzzle

and 

thinking you are a piece, 

thinking you are the tapestry

and 

thinking you are a thread, 

thinking you are the body

and 

thinking you are a member of it.

revenge of the dragonflies

I longed
for more
dragonflies,
but when I
sprawled on
the deck, they
tickled me
to distraction.
We studied
each other.
I wondered why
I love them so
much more than
other insects
with equally ugly
or even more
beautiful faces.
Jewel colors?
Sporty wings?
Pest-hunting
prowess? Inability
to do me any
real harm?

another sleepless night

a moon so bright 

the shadows 

of the tree 

thrown on my 

white curtains 

at night were 

visible to me even 

in my blindness

I blame Stonehenge

Between the cryptic
tonsils and the tonsilloliths
(don't look up pictures),
I feel justified in blaming
Stonehenge for all my
throat illnesses.  And
lack of sleep, too?

watching dragonflies

the cold comes

suddenly and I

have not spent

nearly enough

time watching

dragonflies from

deck hammocks to

last me through 

the long winter

nostalgia or eyeball floaters

was the sky

a clearer blue

when I was 

young, or could 

it just be that 

there are 

more floaters

in my eyes now

that I am older

?

nightmare dogs of sleeplessness

At night

the light

from 

unevenly

spaced poles

can make 

even Tiny

Adorable

Dog into a

terrifying

creature of

nightmare

moving too

low to the 

ground with 

far too 

many 

legs and

its usual

silence so

endearing

in daylight

leaving me

jolted

breathless

with fear

clutching

my mail

and frayed

self-possession.

TAI - > TAD

What is it about just knowing

that Tiny Adorable Illegal Dog

is not, in fact, actually illegal,

that makes me want to cuddle

and pet it even more despite 

the fact that legality 

has nothing to do

with allergies

?