the difference between

I have been thinking about 

the difference between

thinking you are the puzzle

and 

thinking you are a piece, 

thinking you are the tapestry

and 

thinking you are a thread, 

thinking you are the body

and 

thinking you are a member of it.

another weekend

Now ends another weekend
when I didn't catch up on email,
didn't write enough, didn't read
enough, didn't sleep enough,
didn't make it to church, didn't
do enough research, didn't
cross enough things off the list,
did spend time with loved ones,
did get a bit sunburned, did have
ice cream, did the dishes AND
the laundry, did exercise and
watch clouds and play with kids
and think too hard about things
while reading a book that didn't
have the depressing ending I
was expecting

Why I'm glad week four is long over

Things I never expected when I agreed to teach a single online class

that I would have to put off cleaning and laundry and blogging and rest
that I wouldn't have access to my course until the students did
that the school would make so many assumptions that make my job difficult
that the logical resources a teacher needs would be missing, unavailable, not even considered
that a single class could add another 40 hours to my 40 hour work week
that I could get hoarse from dictating assignment feedback into my voice recognition software
that my left arm would hurt more
that my right arm would hurt a lot more
that I would sleep even less
that I would be even more afraid of what would happen if I get sick and lose my voice
that I would feel guilty for

• stopping for gas and a car wash
• getting physical therapy
• spending 15 minutes in a used clothing store to replace a pair of pants that were destroyed
• getting groceries
• exercising
• taking a shower
• eating
• going to the doctor
• meeting with my church small group

(because I could've been using that time to grade)
that I would have to stop reading and writing for pleasure to teach reading and writing to unscreened students who are not ready for this class
that this format does not allow the students who need to learn the most what they need to learn
that I would hate teaching this way this much
that I would want so badly to fix the papers even knowing how much time it would take
that I would be happy when students ignored my repeated pleas to set up conferences to prevent them from failing
that this happiness could make me feel more guilty
that I would not be able to catch up even after a month
that I would be so bad at boundaries

Joys of the Midwest: expect the unexpected

I heard frogs in the pond across the street last night and tonight. Today, I read depressing books in the courtyard while sitting on a blanket absorbing sunshine in shorts and a t-shirt. Last year at this time, it was snowing. I love the Midwest.

Farewell, fair co-workers; may you be going to a better place

Well, it's started.  Employees are leaving because of the stunningly stupid new policies at my RetailEstablishment.  I really wish I hadn't been right in calling that . . .  It would be nice to work a whole holiday season with well-trained, experienced co-workers.  We all have our impossible dreams.

Actually, on a more inquiring note, a co-worker and I were discussing the new focus on pushy sales tactics.  This particular employee is a born salesman.  He's very good at persuasion and sincerity.  (He's a high school speech and debate coach in his spare time.)  The way he sees it, if you go into a store, you should be prepared for the employees to sell at you.  I see a certain amount of merit in that idea.  However, there's a downside that goes unexpressed that says, "and if you aren't prepared for that don't come to our store."

But I thought we were desperate for business?  How is it good for business to harass a good percentage of your regular, paying customers out of the store?

Being both shy and independent, when I go into a store, I do so to find what I'm looking for and then leave.  I wish to do so in as much peace and quiet as I can because I do not like shopping, and I don't need the stress of added human interaction in the form of fending off sales people offering things I don't want or need.  I am a person on a mission, and if I need help with my mission, I want to be able to find assistance in a clearly designated spot.  That would be my ideal shopping experience. 

I am being asked to do unto others what would make me leave the store.  Wait, not asked, told to do so and told that I will be fired if I don't. I just don't get retail.  I guess someone somewhere is crunching numbers and deciding that the easily swayed yutzes who can be convinced to buy what we want them to are better for business that the steady, faithful customers who spend more money regularly to begin with.  As one of said steady, faithful customers, I feel a bit put out by this.  :)


If you enter a retail establishment, do you prefer someone to pounce on you as soon as you enter, asking you if you need help or suggesting something to you, or do you want to go in, look around, and find help somewhere if you need it?  I'm really curious because the split seems to be almost clearly down male-female lines on this issue, and I'm fascinated by that.

Bitter ex-Patriotism?

I was proud of myself yesterday at the concert.  I was kind of anticipating some kind of bitter meltdown amidst all the rah-rah patriotism.  It only happened once for a few seconds during a verse of "America the Beautiful," which we never practiced before the performance. 

"Thine alabaster cities gleam undimmed by human tears!" was the line that led to my brief cynicism attack.  I think the original intent was that America was a paradise of freedom glowing bright to those who were coming from less fortunate circumstances and crying for joy at reaching it, etc. 

When I sang it last night, I teared up in frustration while my little voice o' cynicism snorted and said, "Yep, America the Bureaucracy don't give a darn about your tears. Tears don't affect it at all.  Tears mean nothing to it.  It doesn't care how many tears it causes you.  It just goes on gleaming smugly, knowing that the sheen of tears in your eyes gives it that extra little glow as you glare at it  . . .  Mutter mutter grumble growl."

Like I said, I was kind of proud of myself that it only reared its ugly head once. :-\

In fact, today the song I have been singing most from the concert was unexpectedly "Ah, My Homeland," which is the English translation of an Italian song from an opera, and I would tell you which one except that I can't remember, and I can't remember what I did with my program . . .  Anyway, it's a song the Israelites sing in exile, reminiscing about the land they loved that is possibly forever out of their grasp. 

I guess it reminds me of how much I really did love this country.  Maybe they're right that you can only get this bitter against something if you really loved it and it betrayed you.  Even if I know it only betrayed my too-high expectations, it still hurts.  I just wish I were a better person than this.  I don't have time or energy to waste on being bitter.  I'd rather spend it making a song ring with sadness and conviction, but maybe I couldn't make the music as convincing if I didn't have the experience of pain. 

"Oh, our spirits cry out to Jehovah, 'Hear our song! Hear our cry! Hear our prayer!'"